Foward

Someone sent this to my inbox and its been the highlight of my day so far. (of course, currently my day consists of sleeping in, failing on getting rid of my caffeine addiction, fearing someone had stolen my keys which I would be needing to get to campus before 11am so I could meet up with my boyfriend and get my cell phone charger back, only to find my keys hidden in my pasta--after it would be possible to get to campus before 11am. So its not too hard to be the highlight of my day....)

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products.
She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC
Magazine's 2007
editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you
how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently s urging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the
human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flow'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an
Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
words:
'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in
a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is
Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen
to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullshit.

And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


The funny thing is I actually have no problem with my period. It actually usually is quite happy. Whatev.