Art, Music--where do I fit in?

As I'm procrastinating doing my homework, I thought I might update a musing. I can't really call it a "rant" as I'm not angry about anything, just observing.

Art is a very weird concept. Lots of times I really abhor it; sometimes it seems hedonistic, people self-indulging in expensive drawings or sculptures that don't say anything about the human condition, that don't reflect much thought, that represent time and money that could have been spent helping dig people out of the poverty hole.

And yet I myself am a very creative person. I love to draw, I enjoy writing and creating things that really have very little overarching social value--sometimes it even digs into my homework, and I wonder if I am adhering to or betraying my ideals. Does drawing really improve the quality of my life or that of others?

One thing that has been bothering me recently is that I have been extremely unfocused on all my classes--I hardly take anything in, seem to be doing the bare minimum to get an A. One aspect of this doesn't bother me so much--I remember having set goals for myself to "be so involved in other things that I would have to get a B in something"--but still getting A's. I think part of this problem is that for a long time I described myself as a person who is good at school, who works hard and gets A's--but only in those terms. My whole formulation as a person has been based on doing things because I have to do them, not necessarily because I enjoy them.

I was in Band for many years, and while I certainly was exposed to many good experiences as a French Horn player, part of me is filled with regret: I hated practicing; I'm not sure if I'll really maintain contact with the people I met; there are so many people who I wanted to get to know better and things to do but I couldn't do because I had to do band--and I wonder if it's too late for me to redefine myself.

In any case, I relate this back to my current state of senioritis: Yes, I'm not trying as hard in classes, and supposedly in doing this I'm fulfilling the goal I had set for myself to have my life centered around other things. The problem arises in that I'm not actually having my life centered around things that are more important to me--my lack of attention to my classes is not upswept by a perponderance of productivity in areas of more importance to me--I am merely being unfocused in everything. To what do I owe this lack of focus?

Sadly enough I think this has to do with recent shifts in my self-identity. I identify as an ex-anorexic, meaning that for a long time my days were completely structured around my food intake. I no longer structure my days around this, but now my days simply have NO structure, and I don't get anything done. Part of this also has to do with my time in Spain: it was very hard to set my own goals and agenda, because there were different expectations of time there, so I gave up structuring my days--and I've still not been able to recuperate that.

Hm. This post began as talking about music, but my daily ruminations have leaked into it. Alright then. So music.

There are times when I wonder if I actually am a musical person. Sure, I can sing...well, sortof; and certainly I used to be very good at playing French Horn, but my relationship with music is very much different today. There are people I know who claim music is what keeps them sane, and they are always on the lookout for new music that makes their heart soar. I'm not really that kind of person. When I listen to music (which is more often than in prior years, due to a feeling of inadequacy--I've sort of been forcing myself to listen to more music to feel like I fit into this human world) it's not mainly to revel in the sonorous quality of the song, but to have a relatively familiar and unobtrusive series of noises going through my head so as to not be distracted by the random noises that occur around me. I'm not that interested in the new songs--I just want a similar, soft series of noises to parade through my brain so that I can focus on my reading.

Part of me wonders if it's the music, being constantly in my brain, that has made it more difficult for me to get anything done. I have been listening to a lot of new music recently...Oddly enough, however, listening to music doesn't stall me from writing blogs--only from focusing on homework.

I wonder if it's just part of human nature to seek out hedonism.